Category Archives: Breakups

You Ruined Me

“You stole my first love.

I was always a romantic, dreaming of the moment love would finally happen for me.
I was sixteen when I met you. Sixteen and (mostly) innocent.
The first time you called me a name, I shrugged it off, figuring it was normal.
It became a pattern – the name calling, the absolute devastation I felt, the making up. The controlling. The jealousy.
All my friends, gone, because you didn’t trust them or whatever excuse you gave.
You fucking ruined me.
I see movies and books portraying first love and my heart aches.
No one ever talks about the first loves that weren’t so innocent, the ones that leave people broken inside.”

GUEST POST BY CAMILA – ‘A 23 year old who writes about love, life and everything in between.”

I wrote this the other night when I was feeling particularly upset about things that had happened in my past. Writing things down always seems to help.

My first relationship was emotionally abusive and controlling. I’m pretty open about this now that I’ve come to terms with it.

The minute I met my ex, I knew I was going to date him. It was just like the movies and the books. At seventeen years old, I had finally, finally, met the first guy I was going to fall in love with. Things moved fast between us. He asked me out the day before Valentine’s Day and I was absolutely giddy with happiness. It only took us a couple of months to tell each other that we loved each other. We were in love and I was happy.

People don’t talk about the good parts of abusive relationships. There are good parts. Why else would someone stay?

Things didn’t turn sour until we started fighting. Our fights were ugly – full of name calling and cruel words. He knew how to make me feel bad about myself and he succeeded. We broke up on multiple occasions, only to get back together again the next day. During one of our particularly bad fights, my dad had to come outside to protect me. He told my dad that I was a “whore,” (needless to mention – I never once cheated on the guy).

He started to become controlling. He didn’t like most of my friends because they encouraged me to leave. If we wanted to be together, if I loved him, I wouldn’t hang out with them anymore. I lost friends I had been close with since middle school. It got to the point that I was completely isolated and alone.

When he cheated on me while I was in the same bed, I honestly believed that it was my fault. I was that brainwashed. I’m ashamed to say that it took me another few months to leave. But I did leave.

Being in an abusive relationship in today’s society is not an easy thing. The media constantly pushes “true love” on us, love that is all encompassing and all forgiving. It’s easy (especially for young girls) to believe that this is true for all relationships. Even though my relationship was pretty toxic, I believed that he wasn’t hitting me, so we could work things out. I never even considered my mental health.

This relationship has had some pretty serious effects on me. I lost my innocence in that relationship, lost my chance of ever experiencing first love like it “should,” be. I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone after that, and I’m always keeping part of myself locked away.

I’m not complaining though. Sure, what happened to me sucks, but at the same time, I was able to leave. Think of all the other people who can’t leave, who don’t have the supports or the strength. Most don’t even recognize emotional abuse for what it is…. And how could they? It’s something that is rarely talked about!

I’ve decided to write my next novel about an emotionally abusive relationship. It’s time that young adults see that not all love is perfect, that not all love can be fixed. Because if I had had something like that, maybe I could have saved myself.

READ MORE……

Break Up No Need To Make Up

cbad032299ad9ee2cf82a33f0c969d28So, I just broke up with (I prefer to say ‘parted ways’ with) my boyfriend of 4.5 years. I looked at our connection objectively about a year ago and had a brief emotional breakdown (you have to let yourself feel things in order to move through them). I think that all of my concerns were in the back of my mind for the past year. Then this year while I was in Iceland and had some space from the relationship I consciously thought about everything that I broke down about last year.  I decided that the relationship wasn’t meant to be. I came home and broke it off. I said we weren’t going to work out and I didn’t want us to ruin our relationship like most other people do before they break up. Why not just leave now, when I know it won’t work out, instead of wasting time waiting until we despise each other and have no good memories of the relationship left?

This decision came as a surprise to many. I made the decision rather quickly and quietly.  At least it seemed that way since no one knew I had been watching to see if my concerns were valid for the past year.  I don’t need to consult with everyone I know.  I consulted one of my best friends and my parents, mainly because they were the ones with me in Iceland and they know me the best. Then, my decision was made.  I made my decision and was 100%+ confident in it. Many of the people who were surprised were only surprised because they didn’t see it coming.  Almost no one was surprised that I decided it wouldn’t work out in the long term. My family, my friends, his family, and my therapist all agreed with me.

Our relationship appeared to be great and fully functional from the outside. We got along well and hardly ever fought. If we did fight we were very good at communicating and resolving the issue. We traveled well together, we did everything together and public displays of affection were par for the course. But there were important variables that matter more than getting along socially. Cultural differences, religious differences, different life goals, different life views, different levels of openness to adventure, different levels of acceptance of others, different levels of tolerance for others, different ideas about my role in my own life, AND the list goes on.

How can I just walk away?  Did I really love him for all of those years? Yes. Did I love the incompatibility of our core charateristics? Not in the least, but it took me some time to realize this. Is love all that matters? Is it enough to hold 2 people together despite all adversity? Not at all.

Movies teach us that love conquers all! Love is all that matters! Love is unbreakable! How could I just walk away and not look back? Well I had a year to think over the issues in the back of my mind. Also, I am adopted. What love is stronger than a mother’s love? No love is stronger than a mother’s love. If a mother can give her child up despite her love for that child, because she knows that it is what is best for the child, then any love can be given up in the name of what is best for the participating parties.   I have no doubt in my mind that walking away from the relationship is what is best for me.  Really, after my birth parents gave me up so I could have a better life than they could give me, and after my parents worked so hard to give me the best life they could, it would just be disrespectful to not also do my part to make sure I have the best life for me.  Happy, successful, boundless.

Adoption affects the way adoptees approach relationships. It is my nature to love intensely and wholeheartedly. This is with my friends, my family, my significant other, humankind and life.  I am afraid of people leaving me, as most adoptees are, so I build strong, close relationships so people want to stay around. I think it must be more a fear of rejection than a fear of losing someone, because if a friendship or a romantic relationship isn’t functioning the way it should, I will leave. I am not saying this in a cutthroat, cold-hearted way and I never leave any relationship without thoroughly thinking it through. I basically decide “this isn’t working out. It would be best for both of us if this relationship ended…immediately.”     I am always confident that the decision is best for both of us, and usually after a little time, the other person realizes that I was right.

This was my first introduction to relationships.  Day 1 of life this is exactly the way it happened when my birth parents gave me up for adoption. I understand why my birth parents gave me up. They were right to do so. In their position, I would have given me up for adoption too. I’m just thankful they didn’t choose abortion instead.  Keeping me would have been a negative thing for me, and for them. Now, we all have healthy, flourishing lives that we may not have had if I weren’t put up for adoption. On the day I was born they said ‘we love you dearly but we have to let you go, this just isn’t going to work out’ (they didn’t actually say this, their actions did).  I guess because of this, I really see the value of having the courage to let go of a relationship that doesn’t play, or no longer plays, a positive role in your life. I wouldn’t exist as who I am today if I hadn’t been let go. I never mean to hurt the person I part ways with, just as my birth parents didn’t mean to hurt me, and I always know that that the other person will be ok. If I, and many other adoptees, turn out (relatively) ok, then anyone that I part ways with will be ok. I’m absolutely sure of it.

 Love doesn’t conquer all.  Love isn’t enough. And sometimes holding on to love despite all adversity does more harm than good.

So when people say that they are still pulling for us, that they think we were perfect and that they are keeping their fingers crossed…I say “STOP.” (1. nothing is ever as it seems.  2. I have never understood that breaking up and getting back together nonsense)  I don’t go in-and-out of relationships.  I am in a relationship, or I am out of it and I don’t make the decision to leave lightly.  I don’t have the mind or heart to handle ambiguous connections.  There are enough of those in my life. I do have an open adoption after all.

If someone leaves me?  Devastation.  Of course, not so sure that I will be ok.  Hypocritical? I prefer the term unstable ;).

XOXO

Love always and forever,

Juliana Whitney

– That Adopted Girl