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by George Reagan
For all the men who struggle with dating, really struggle, I have great news.
You are not alone. Fifty percent of all single men have not been on a date in the last two years. Other men date occasionally, but never find the success they truly desire. Still others are newly divorced and have re-entered the intimidating world of being single again for the first time since the advent of internet dating.
The truth is there are a lot of lonely men out there.
Masterdate: the handy guide to internet dating for guys, is my personal story of overcoming myriads of obstacles to reach a place where I could enjoy marvelous success with dating. Using internet dating as my primary platform, I dated over 150 women in a four year span.
Now, I wish to invite men everywhere to join me in exploring and learning the unique concepts that enable men to relate to women in an attractive way, including:
– learning the lingua franca that is absolutely essential to effective communication with women.
– Does size really matter? Here are the times it matters the most – and it will surprise you.
– Unique dating advice from none other than Albert Einstein and Han Solo!
– The many good things that happen as a man grows in confidence.
– The difference between a player and one who understands the protocols of seduction.
– How I created my online dating profile that some women called the best they have ever read.
I want men to understand there is a better, more refined version of themselves in the making. Real change is possible, and not only will it make a man a better dater, it will make him a better person as well.
Or more information, please visit http://www.reaganwriting.com/!masterdate/
If you’re in the middle of a relationship storm what you most want is calm and stability. Often you just wish you could turn the clock back and for everything that has happened, not to happen. Instead it’s like being trapped in a nightmare. You get caught up in going over and over conversations and events, trying to understand where it all went wrong and what could have been done to stop it.
It’s time to take a deep breath and find a way out. There are a number of things you can do:
TAKE A BREAK Recognise that you are having a very stressful time and find a way to take a break, even if only for a short time. You might make an agreement with yourself that for the next 10 or 20 minutes you are going to think about something else. Telling yourself not to think about something doesn’t generally work. It helps if you do something active (requiring some physical movement for example cooking a meal or ironing) and concentrate just on that task. If that’s difficult and your mind starts racing away again you will need to give it a job to do. Counting is an easy task for your brain to do and will distract it from thinking about other things for a short while. Every time you notice a thought coming in again, just go back to counting.
KEEP IN THE PRESENT When things go wrong it’s easy to go over and over conversations and events. This is our natural way of trying to make sense of what has happened. Although this can be helpful, it keeps us trapped in the past and stops us from concentrating on where we are now. You can’t change the past but you can change what happens next. It can be hard to face the difficult situation you’re in, but you might be able to ask yourself ‘what can I do right now that would be helpful to me or the situation’. That might well be doing nothing. Sometimes it’s best to wait for the storm to pass over.
RELIEVE THE PRESSURE When you’re distressed it’s important to take steps that will relieve the pressure on you, and sometimes on the relationship. The pressure comes in various forms but often includes commitments. The arrangements you have made for the short and long term future probably included the other person in some way. Finding a way to postpone or cancel these commitments gives you time and helps you feel more in control.
TALK TO PEOPLE Everyone has difficulties in relationships at some time and most people understand. Maybe you’re someone who listens to other people’s problems and prefers to keep their own problems to themselves. Having problems does not make you a weak a person and you probably don’t think other people are weak when they talk about theirs. You might find that some people you talk to start to get emotional themselves and ‘wind you up’, rather than calm you down. Sometimes it’s good to let off steam and have a good rant with other people, but sometimes you just need to be held and supported. Chose the people who can best help you at different times.
DON’T TALK TO EVERYONE Some people tell everyone their problems. The difficulty is that you can get lots of advice and points of view which can create more confusion rather than less. Some people find they regret telling people later, sometimes because they have disclosed more than they feel comfortable with at a later date.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE Most people will get distressed at some time because life can be unfair and upsetting. Probably other people would also be angry and upset if it was happening to them. When we are distressed what we most need is to be comforted. If the person you most want to find comfort from is unable or unwilling, it’s important to find friends or family members who will be there for you. No-one is alone in this world, so even if you can’t find anyone around you all you need to do is reach out. I am a counsellor and I am one of very many people who want to be there to support you through the bad time. You can find us.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Make it easy for you to recover from the distress. Physically you need to eat and sleep. Keep meals easy to prepare and light, and make sure you get enough sleep and rest. Limit the activities and demands you have on your time as you have less resources just at the moment. Think back to when you were younger. What did you do when you were a child and feeling upset. Try using the same strategies now so you can help yourself to feel more comfortable and calm.
REGULATE YOUR EMOTIONS When you get upset it’s easy for your thoughts and feelings to take over and you can feel overwhelmed and out of control. Sometimes you can be aware of how one thought leads to another and sends you into that downward spiral. When you’re feeling very emotional try switching your attention from what is going on inside your body, to what is going on outside your body. You can do this by looking around you and just saying in your head, or out loud, the names of everything you can see. Simply look around the room and say ‘there’s a chair, there’s a light, there’s a book…etc’. This forces your mind into noticing you in your surroundings and releases the temporary hold it has on your thoughts.
REASSURE YOURSELF If you keep telling yourself it’s bad/scary/terrible etc you will tend to feel more pessimistic. Reassure yourself that you can get through this. You might be able to remind yourself of other times in your life that have been difficult and you managed to survive. You could put stick notes in places you will regularly see them ,with positive and reassuring messages as a reminder.
GIVE YOURSELF TIME It takes time for things to get better, and for you to feel better. Although you might be in a rush for everything to be sorted out, it usually takes time. Give yourself, and sometimes other people or your relationship, time to heal. Putting pressure on the speed of healing tends to backfire and cause delay. Healing relationship distress takes time, not lots and lots of time, but some time.
Relationships can bring us the greatest joy, and the greatest pain. The pain will pass, even if at the moment it is all encompassing. Take shelter and be kind to yourself while you are waiting.
Join Joe & Savannah for an SOS Relationship Event. Check dates and locations near you.
For most people preparation for internet dating means that we find a photograph, write a profile and hope that when we put it out there it presents the authentic self that allures a future mate…and when we receive a response we hope that cyber chemistry will do the job and connect us with a future mate.
In reality most men don’t prepare well for the context of internet dating. There is no school, nor toolbox for maximising our performance. When we exercise, we following protocols such as understanding our fitness level, stretch, warm up, consult a trainer, review our performance and modify our technique.
Internet dating provides an efficient way to review potential candidates for your future mate. It can be an exciting but also a daunting proposition. A key challenge for men is to transmit that first authentic glimpse of you to a future mate and to continue to draw the lady to the real you in an alluring way. Another challenge is to minimise the risk of not listening to what the woman is saying and being misread as you communicate through cyberspace. Most men say too much on line.
The Secrets to Attracting Beautiful Quality Women is the personal trainer for men dating women on the internet. Savannah and Jessica give you insights into the mind of a woman. They help you grow your personal awareness, help you become a subtle yet powerful communicator and guide you through developing your personal dating profile. Savannah and Jessica employ strategies that will enable you to be confident in communicating the authentic you and help with strategies to overcome many of the pitfalls of internet dating.
Savannah and Jessica will help you to become your own personal helicopter, to listen to your intuition, help you read what woman are saying to you and help you assess and improve your performance to achieve your ultimate goal in attracting a beautiful, quality woman on line that wants to find out more about the authentic you.
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‘The New Mrs D’.
It’s just over a month since my debut novel, ‘The New Mrs D’ was released and I have already had some wonderful feedback from readers both here in the UK and abroad, most saying they completely associate with my protagonist, Bernice Dando. One Amazon reviewer sums it up nicely:
‘It is so refreshing to have a main character who isn’t perfect, who is always struggling with weight, self-esteem issues and pants that keep rolling down (due to muffin tops and not sexual behaviour).’
However, recently I received an email from someone, who I must point out has NOT read the book, which has led me to sit down to write this blog post today.
The New Mrs D tackles the difficult, mostly unspoken about subject of porn addiction in a work of comedy fiction. The person emailing me asked why I would think porn addiction, which has blown up like a bomb in society, with many innocent people getting hurt every minute of every day, is something to laugh about. I will not name this person; it was a highly personal and confidential email from someone whose identity I am happy, indeed – determined to protect.
But I did feel a need to answer this question, lest anyone else should be misled into believing that this is what my book seeks to do. In fact, its purpose is far removed from making light of the subject. My reason for writing it was to bring the issue to the foreground.
Editors called it ‘a laugh on every page’, ‘hilarious’ and ‘very timely in the year of the new Bridget Jones novel’. Yet no one wanted to publish it. They said it was ‘too close to the bone’ and an ‘icky’ subject. One editor said she just didn’t believe anyone would marry a man like that.
I didn’t just decide to pick something controversial to sit down and write a comedy novel about; I felt it needed to be addressed. All of my research and experience has shown me that plenty of people have and do marry men like that. Plenty of people live with porn addiction in their relationship on a daily basis, slowly letting their self-confidence reach the point of shut down without ever telling anyone what is happening, purely out of shame. They think it is their fault. Or, that in some way it makes them look bad for not being able to cope with what is fast becoming acceptable in modern society – the sexualisation and objectification of women in everyday media outlets. I would go as far as to say it is probably more people that each of us know than we realise.
How many people reading this post have been in some way affected by a partner’s porn addiction and never told a living soul? How many people reading this are thinking, ‘pah! Like it’s a real problem?’ Naturally, there are people on both sides of the fence.
What would you think if I told you of women that have left a room in tears after what to most people would seem a harmless, everyday advert, featuring a perfectly toned woman in a state of undress, appears on the TV? Does that sound excessive and neurotic to you? Then you have never been the partner of a porn addict. To the partner of such a person, every picture like this becomes – to their mind– a potential trigger to the addict. Think, ‘sparkly glass of wine in front of an alcoholic’. And you are the grape juice in the dull glass beside it.
The question on whether this is really a problem is an interesting one. In ‘The New Mrs D’ it most certainly is, as the partner uses porn instead of making love to his wife. He, in fact, is unable to make love to his wife but can reach ejaculation whilst watching porn. An editor who wrote a feedback report on my manuscript asked the question, ‘would porn use really cause a sexual dysfunction?’
Norman Doidge of The Guardian wrote a very interesting and revealing article on the Brain Scans of Porn Addicts. It told of how ‘scan images show that watching online “adult” sites can alter our grey matter, which may lead to a change in sexual tastes.’ He concludes with this story:
‘In her book, Bunny Tales: Behind Closed Doors at the Playboy Mansion, Izabella St James, whowas one of Hugh Hefner’s former “official girlfriends”, described sex with Hef. Hef, in his late 70s, would have sex twice a week, sometimes with four or more of his girlfriends at once, St James among them. He had novelty, variety, multiplicity and women willing to do what he pleased. At the end of the happy orgy, wrote St James, came “the grand finale: he masturbated while watching porn”.
Here, the man who could actually live out the ultimate porn fantasy, with real porn stars, instead turned from their real flesh and touch, to the image on the screen. Now, I ask you, “what is wrong with this picture?”.’
Porn addiction in a commercial comedy novel may be considered by many to make uncomfortable reading. Bringing the issue of what many people consider virtual adultery is, I grant you, different and edgy. I believe difficult subjects can be made more palatable and accessible to a wider audience in works of commercial comedy fiction. It is not easy and it is a work that has taken me almost two years to complete in the hope that I have handled it sensitively. But what if I can help people to be able to say out loud, ’actually, I hate this porn culture we live in’? What if I can trigger conversations about matters that were once kept behind closed doors?
In my search for publication, I was asked if I would remove the porn addiction element. In edits, I was advised to try altering the age of the protagonist to a woman in her thirties (Mrs D is in her forties) and maybe consider changing my name to a male pseudonym; anything to make its subject more comfortable and marketable.
I wanted to write about a real person, in a very real situation. I also like to make people laugh and offer something different in an increasingly androcentric world.
The comedy part of my novel is not around the subject of porn addiction, it is around a women’s life altering honeymoon alone in Greece where she discovers a lot about herself. I sought to speak to women, empower and educate them. It follows the laughter, tears and moments of clarity in the life of the partner of a porn addict. If I’d have removed the porn addiction element of the story, The New Mrs D may well have been published traditionally. I chose not to, because then my reason for writing the book in the first place would have been lost.
I’ll let the readers decide if I did her – and this very timely subject – justice.
You can buy The New Mrs D HERE
Heather Hill is a comedy author based in Scotland, UK.
Some towns have foothills that roll and bounce. They’re covered in that soft, thick grass that sways because it’s unmanicured. The kind that looks like you could comb it. We’ve got some of those here. One of them is a landfill you can see from the thruway. Oh well.
Those hills, natural or not, are permanent. We also have some hills rising from parking lots. These are temporary. They’re like monuments. Megaliths erected to remind us snowplows were here. They’ll be gone when the weather warms. Until then, the snow piles keep watch. I’ve noticed that, in one particular series of connected parking lots, the peaks are crowned with obliterated shopping carts. All types. Metal ones, plastic ones, red, blue, green and on. They’re the carts the lot boys didn’t get to in time or just flat out left behind.
It’s hard to blame the snowplows, right? They’re just doing their job. The snow is the enemy. It must be dealt with. They can’t bob and weave like a mogul skier. They need to do a clean sweep. If some carts get trashed so be it. They shouldn’t have been standing there. It’s not that the driver wants to, but then again I bet it’s pretty fun to watch the cart explode in front of you. There can only be one winner in this battle. The plows are mightier so that makes the carts the losers. Please try not to lose any sleep over them. They’re in a better place.
Sometimes we can be like snowplows. We’ve got a job to do and we’ve been given authorization to do it. So plow we do. The problem with analogies like this is that they aren’t always direct parallels. While we’re like plows other people are not like carts. Not entirely. Yes, they find themselves before us and in our path. Yes, they sometimes get in the way. Yes, even sometimes they shouldn’t have been standing there. They shouldn’t have said what they said or did what they did. It’s understandable why you want to go through them. Most people would agree. But just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. Not every thing you think should be spoken.
My wife has many endearing idiosyncrasies. Many of them fuel my love. Like the way she, only once about every 3-5 weeks, talks out of the side of her mouth. Literally. Her lips muscles shift ability and move differently when she speaks. It’s marvelous. There are also some things that don’t make me smile as much. For about the first 9 years of our marriage (yes, that means up until about 7 months ago) I felt like I needed to point these things out. Daily. They were really important, life or death sorts of things like not turning out a light in a room after she exited. You can see why I was so offended, right?
Why did I do this?
I wanted to win. Or, more accurately, I didn’t want to lose. And she needed to know that. Or so I thought. Turns out she didn’t. The lights weren’t the only thing I tripped over. Every time I brought my case, I placed another stone in the wall I was building between us. The most alarming part is that I didn’t even see what I was doing. When two people decide they no longer belong together it’s usually because they discover there’s a wall between them. They no longer see eye to eye. The saddest part is that they usually believe that the wall was there all along. But it wasn’t. You built it.
The thing about carts is that they’re meant to be filled. I wasn’t doing that. I was looking at the 2 or 3 things she didn’t do to my standards and ignored the 513 things she does routinely that make me feel loved. And even if she didn’t do those great things she’s still my wife and I owe it to her to build her up even when it’s difficult to do. That’s my job.
So every time I have to take extra time to walk around the house and turn the lights off it reminds me of how much I love her.
And of course this isn’t just about marriages. It’s true wherever you find two or more trying to live life together.
When I’ve tried to win I find that I’ve lost. Now that I’m trying to lose, I’m learning what love is really all about.
Photo credit: Angel in the North
Author: Erik Eustice – Read more at The Sea Log
Love is one of the most beautiful products of human interaction, a blending of affections between a pair of people that forms a lasting bond. Though there are countless ways to show this emotion, there are actually five categories of Love Expressions that can be used to define those using them.
Understanding not only your own categories but your partner’s as well will help strengthen your relationship and improve the impact of the kind gestures you do for one another. The concept of love expressions is a surprisingly easy explanation for the intricate dance of affection, but don’t be surprised if you find yourself nodding in agreement when you discover yourself or your partner in an expression or two. Use these compatible categories as a guide, and you’ll start to notice less fighting and a more pleasant tone to your relationship. If you haven’t found that special someone yet, this information can also help you make a more informed decision about a future mate.
Naturally, each individual is different when it comes to how they love and what types of love they respond to. The love expressions are an excellent place to start if you’d like to learn how to achieve harmony of the heart with your mate. The very act of discovering your partner’s category or categories compels you to take a deeper look at the interactions you share with them. Finding your own expression orientation is often enlightening as well, and can offer helpful clues to help you improve an existing relationship or hunt for an ideal partner.
Disagreements and frustrations in relationships arise from partners who don’t understand one another, but figuring out love expression types will give you both a strong starting point for deeper connections. Each of the 5 categories of love expressions – Attention, Closeness, Compliments, Service and Thoughtfulness – carry certain attributes that appeal to some of the other categories. Though categories tend to be a part of someone’s ingrained nature, learning how to acquiesce and appreciate the differences of a “mismatched” type can build harmony, even if there wasn’t much to work with initially.
Each category in the love expressions array is different, but keep in mind that there is no right or wrong among them. Someone who enjoys close physical proximity is no more or less romantic than a partner who prefers to do the dishes to show their devotion. While a bouquet of roses may delight one person, another may accept them with a silent wish for a poem or a repair job for a broken drawer instead. Scenarios like this are the reason that figuring out both partners’ categories is an important step towards a better relationship.
When you’re ready to start on the path to new and lasting love, call your partner to sit and talk with you. Read, discuss and ask your lover about these categories, as their insight will inevitably help you discover your own tendencies as well. Keep an open mind and make a genuine effort to truly listen to what they say – you may be surprised at what you learn, even if you’ve been with your lover for decades.
Dating or in a relationship? improve with Keen On You relationship tools; face reading, personality, love expressions and more