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Cheating Myth #4

 

Myth #4

I’ll never be able to trust my partner again.

Many of us have heard people flatly say that a spouse who cheats can never be trusted again. It’s a common statement that has the power to convince a person to adopt a 9 position before the incident even occurs.

We can train ourselves to succeed or fail, and deciding that a situation is hopeless before it even happens is a sure way to guarantee failure. Perspective is difficult to achieve, and it is nearly impossible to develop an accurate one from outside the situation.

People learn to trust in stages. As time goes by, and your spouse can see that your actions demonstrate trustworthiness, your relationship can improve if both you and your partner put a concerted effort into it. However, no effort you make will be great enough if your spouse has already decided that there can never be a resolution.

Affair Recovery Advice For When You Have Been Unfaithful

The process of healing takes time. It is not a course that can be rushed or forced. Resolution and restoration take an active, concerted effort from both sides. Beginning this process under false pretenses is a sure way to inhibit success. Part of being open and honest involves not making assumptions and not coming to conclusions prematurely.

If you have experienced infidelity in your relationship, and would like to have some professional help in recovering ASAP, download I CheatedAffair RecoveryAdvice.”  Savannah Ellis works with couples who are experiencing this challenge from her clinics in Las Vegas, Nevada and Santa Monica, California, and with couples across the globe via Online Counseling.
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Cheating Myth #2

Myth #2

Most affairs are sexually driven.

When someone discusses cheating, what is the first image that comes to mind? Secret texts? Late-night rendezvous? Lying and manipulation? For many the image is of two people who have been overtaken by mutual sexual desire. A cheating spouse is seen as someone who turns away from family love and selfishly seeks the affections of another. That may be one aspect, but it is not the root cause of infidelity.

In reality, most people have affairs for emotional reasons, not sexual ones. Is this you? You felt ignored by your partner. You felt your needs were unimportant. You felt hurt, and even angry, and did not know what to do with these feelings. Once you felt that your spouse did not care about you, you may have found yourself more open to the attentions of others. When you felt abandoned by your mate, you were able to justify spending time with people who made you feel that you matter. At that point, you were only one small step away from attraction and unfaithfulness. 

Interesting facts about lying after an affair

It can be completely crazy-making to feel like you cannot get at the truth. Something doesn’t feel right between the two of you, he’s not around as much as he used to be, not as interested in you. You suspect he might be seeing someone else. You demand he look you straight in the eye and tell you this isn’t so. He does. Can you be certain you now know?

Not according to Douglas Starr, who has just written a fascinating book called “The Interview: Do Police Interrogation Techniques Produce False Confessions.” His research has come up with some startling results: the science that has claimed to have linked lying with anxiety has been discredited. The idea that body language can be used to tell if someone is lying has been disproven. According to his research there is hardly any relationship between anxiety and lying. The idea that scratching one’s nose, avoiding eye contact, folding one’s arms, etc, is a dead giveaway just doesn’t hold up.

I understand this to mean that there are many people who are very effective at remaining completely calm while lying. I also suspect that many others are not able to do this and get fidgety, or defensive. But someone being repeatedly grilled about whether they are having an affair could become anxious and defensive even if they are innocent!

Starr did find  one aspect of lying that produces anxiety during his study of an alternative method of interrogation used in England. This method involves carefully interviewing the suspect to create a coherent story of the events surrounding the crime. The suspect is not yelled at, or threatened; intimidation techniques like we see on “Law and Order” are not part of the picture.

If the suspect gives false details in order to maintain his cover story, eventually it will get harder and harder to hold the story together.  This is the point where the suspect starts to show signs of anxiety.

(Click here to read about and hear Douglas Starr interviewed by Terry Gross on “Fresh Air”:
http://www.npr.org/2013/12/05/248968150/beyond-good-cop-bad-cop-a-look-at-real-life-interrogations)

Does your partner’s story hold up over time? What happens if you get him or her to try to help you understand crucial sequences of events, times where he wasn’t where he said he was, etc?  (For more about the questions you find yourself asking read “I CHEATED”

Another interesting fact  is that research shows that people who lie about affairs generally don’t lie about other things. Sure, there are some people who find it easy to lie about everything. But the majority of people in affairs are really being deceitful  for the first time. Knowing this can help rebuild trust, soften the disillusionment of suddenly find out you are married to a “liar.”

This research supports what I have experienced treating couples dealing with an affair. As couples therapy progresses, a new story of the marriage is being created, a story created by both partners feeling safe enough to be honest. Secrets gradually yield to this sense of safety, and a new story is created, one that is not based on illusions. Keeping an affair, or the fact that an affair was sexual and not just emotional, or an affair relapse secret during this type of process becomes extremely difficult.

Live To Love,

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xoxo